Character profile for Thorvald McGuire

Genealogy

Thorvald is, as his first name suggests, of Nordic ancestry. He is only 1/8 Irish. The rest is pure Viking.

Family Tree
Seamus MCGUIRE, an Irishman, married Ragnhild HAAKONSDOTTIR, of Icelandic and Norwegian background. Their son, Skarp-Hedin, married Gudrun NJALSDOTTIR. Skarp-Hedin and Gudrun had a son, Mord MCGUIRE. Mord married Hallgerda ERIKSDOTTIR. They had three children: Thorvald, Harlenthora ("Arlene"), and Ragnat ("Ralph"). Thorvald married Krystle CARRINGTON, and they have one child, Rebeccah Bergthora Thorvaldsdottir MCGUIRE.

Appearance

Thorvald is an imposing 6'5" tall, with broad shoulders and big muscles. He usually wears tight, worn-out polo shirts, blue jeans, boots, and a black leather motorcycle jacket. His thick blond hair is worn swept back off his face in what can only be called a pompadour. He also has a thick blond beard and moustache that he keeps carefully trimmed and waxed.

Thorvald is very vain about his physical appearance. He has a regular appointment at a salon for "mani, pedi, and botox." Thorvald's face is craggy and angular, and he worries about looking his age (he's 50).

He has dentures. Don't ask why.

Career

Thorvald has had a very checkered career. As a young man, he was in a motorcycle gang. But his love of the classics set him apart from the other street punks. He won a scholarship to attend Harvard University. He received his bachelor's, master's and doctorate in the classics there, where he learned to speak Latin, Greek, and a variety of ancient Germanic languages--Old Norse among them. He won a prize for his doctoral thesis--the entire Loeb classical library. Thorvald claims his thesis was too revolutionary, and that this is the reason he was not offered a position on the faculty at Harvard. Krystle says it's because Thorvald had an affair with the assistant dean, and the dean's wife found out.

Thorvald returned to Canada, where he quickly became involved with the Bandidos, a Quebecois motorcycle gang that is more interested in organized crime than in Harley Davidsons. Thorvald was in and out of prison during his tenure with the Bandidos. Then he met Krystle Carrington. She was putting herself through college by doing topless dancing at a club the Bandidos owned. One night at the club, he grabbed Krystle, threw her over his shoulder, and carried her away into a traditional marriage. It was, after all, one of the few things Thorvald hadn't tried yet. The couple spent two years running a nudist colony in British Columbia. Then they had Becky. Thorvald was 35; Krystle was 22.

After that, Krystle wanted to move to the suburbs and be a "normal" family. Thorvald chose Milborough for his young family because he'd heard it was a place where a gay man could get as much action as he could ever want. Thorvald and Krystle started an antiques business together, and Krystle never knew about Thorvald's many sexual indiscretions until Becky was in junior high.

During these years, Thorvald developed a new hobby: competitive eating. Thorvald was the reigning champion in competitive eating in Ontario until about five years ago. He had become quite fat, and he was having trouble getting "dates." It was then that Thorvald had weight-loss surgery (the "LAP-Band") and dropped over 100 pounds of fat...and added 30 pounds of muscle.

A little over a year ago, a surprise from Thorvald's past was revealed. While Thorvald was an undergraduate in college, he had returned to Canada during the summers to work as a strongman for the circus. During the summer before he began his graduate studies, Thorvald had an affair with his high school sweetheart, who was a member of a Native tribe. Unbeknownst to him, his sweetheart became pregnant. She gave the baby up for adoption, and Thorvald never knew of her existence until Marjee Mahaha knocked on his door. Though Marjee has bonded with Becky, she has a tentative relationship with Thorvald.

When the marriage finally fell apart, Krystle had Thorvald arrested for spousal abuse. One night, while Thorvald was relaxing in his study, reading Suetonius's Lives of the Caesars, Krystle came in and picked a stupid fight. Irritated, Thorvald threw his book in the air. Unfortunately, it landed on Krystle's head, giving her an excuse to have him arrested. A petition for divorce was filed, and the antiques business was liquidated.
One abortive escape from jail, with the intention of reuniting his family, failed miserably.

Thorvald has renewed his ties to the Bandidos while living in a halfway house after getting out of jail. However, he is currently looking for a permanent job outside of organized crime. He is managing Becky's singing career, though not very well.